i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
