the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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