Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He had one of those small greek statue penises
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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