My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize