I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
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