I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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