You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize