WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
