so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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