nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
