WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
