you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
