Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
