Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
