Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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