I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
