I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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