I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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