So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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