Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
