So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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