btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
