My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
