splinters make it hard to masturbate
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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