Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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