By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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