just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I wish there were birth control emojis
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
