I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
