u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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