The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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