Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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