Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize