I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
