You're earring is so big in my mouth
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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