suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
