I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
