I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
