Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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