Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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