you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
