He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
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