im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
