grandma shit on top of the toilet
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
