all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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