Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
