Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize