I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
