I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
