I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
