I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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