I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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