was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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