sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
