I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
