I wish I only lived at night.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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