I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
