Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
