Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I am one with the molecules
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
