Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
