I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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